Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Pain of Being

It is impossible to explain the pain, anger and exhaustion a mixed episode of depression causes. It is to be filled with rage, at yourself, others and at the world. It is to have so much angry energy inside that you are sure you will explode. The mind can focus on nothing but death and and hate. There is no reason and there is no escape. There is no outlet for the fire, no way to ignore the pain of being. Author Unknown

Thursday, February 17, 2011

My 15 year-old grandson

Wichita wrestler talks about broken neck, stroke
February 16, 2011|By Megan Strader | KWCH 12 Eyewitness News

(WICHITA, Kan.) — Both are running on very little sleep, but Kaleb Ball and his dad Nick can still remember every detail of what happened Saturday afternoon.

"His head just completely tucked up under him and his chin went into his chest and both of their weight went down on it," recalls Nick Ball.

"I just heard the loudest snap I've ever heard, you could just tell something was wrong," said Kaleb.
AdvertisementAds by Google
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Over 50% Improvement Rate. Learn about Stem Cell Therapy Here"When I saw his neck I was terrified. I knew it was serious."

While wrestling at a tournament this past weekend Kaleb broke the fourth vertebrae in his neck - needing three surgeries to repair.

And while the Northwest High School freshman is still in a lot of pain, he knows he's lucky things weren't worse.

"All I'm dealing with is pain, that's better than being paralyzed."

Kaleb did end up suffering a stroke - likely from the damage to the blood supply to his brain. So even though he'll be released from the hospital on Thursday, he'll report straight to a rehab center to help restore of the functions of the left side of his body.

"They told me that how much I progressed in one day is how much they expect to see someone progress in two weeks. So, they said I'm doing really good."

Along with being a wrestler, Kaleb is a straight "A" student and a musician. So while he may never wrestle again, the goal is to return him to doing the other things he loves.

Nick Ball tells Eyewitness News, "If anyone can have a 100% recovery it's this kid right there, for sure."

Kaleb and is family say they're overwhelmed by the outpouring of support they've received. Kaleb hopes to be back in school within a few weeks.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Last Journey

His family is gathered round the bed: the room quiet save for the sound of labored breathing. He reaches out a feeble hand only to have it immediately grasped by two strong masculine ones.
‘’Is that you boy?’’ he asks in a quavering voice.
‘’Yes Dad, its me. I’m right here. We’re all here. Even your new great grandson is here to see you.
‘’Let me see the child. I want to see him before its time.’’
‘’Now don’t be talking like that Dad. You’ll be out of here in no time.’’
He looks deep into the eyes of his beloved son and sees only an abiding love.
‘’We both know how I’ll be leaving this room Jason.
Jason begins to weep softly’’
‘’Now, now. My pain will soon be over and look at that beautiful grandson that you to help raise. You have to be there for him. You have to take my place. Now hush up and let me see the boy.’’
His granddaughter pushes her way up to the bed.
‘’Isn’t he the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen Papa? We named him after you. His name is Darrel Alan.’’
Amidst all his pain he manages a sigh of contentment. Life had not been easy but he had been able to pull it off and close his life out with peace and contentment. Yes, and lots of love.
Jason brushes a strand of gray hair from his father’s forehead.
‘’We’re all right here Dad. We’re all here. Dad? Dad? Daddy? Wake up Daddy. Daddy please wake up. Jason cries softly.
He gasps and opens his eyes. There is no sense of feeling. No up or down, nothing but darkness.
‘’Isn’t there supposed to be a bright light to follow or something?
A soft voice whispers, ‘’Wait. Be patient and wait.’’
He heeds the voice and waits quietly.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


So I just got out of the hospital yesterday. AGAIN!!

The doctors told me I had an overdose of one of my antidepressants. This is the second time this year that I have overdosed on antidepressants. The first was Lithium in May. It sent me into a coma and I was in ICU for three days.

This time it was Equetro which caused severe vertigo and constant vomiting.
Because of my adverse reactions I have been taken off all depressants save Luvox which seems to have no affect whatsoever (placebo)?

Without my antidepressants I am once again plunged into the deep abyss of depression. I think it is almost as hard for Sherry as it is for me. She told me the other night that it hurt her so to see me in such pain. But what can I do? The doctors are afraid to prescribe anything new since my kidneys shut down and Lithium built up in my system and caused me to go into a coma.

Were it not for my daughter I would probably be with the Lord right now.

My doctor told me I am a triple threat………..
1. Congestive Heart Failure,
2. Pulmonary Hypertension
3. Asthma

Do I feel sorry for myself? No, I just wish it would end.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Circumstances of my Death

I don't know if I've posted this already but I guess I want people to know;

Let me tell you of the circumstances of my death
I died in the summer of 1975
I was 27 years old and was a very successful production manager. I had about 100 employees. I had a private office on the mezzanine. I used to look out my window and wonder if this was what I was going to do the rest of my life. Was I going to spend the rest of my life watching other people work?
I decided to sit down and set some goals for the rest of my life. If I could do anything I wanted, what would I do?

The goals I finally settled on and wrote down were:

1. I want to teach others how to lead successful Christian lives
2. I want to be involved with pubic speaking
3. I want to be financially independent
4. I want my income to be residual

.... i. I had seen so many Christians who equated poverty with piety. I wanted ..... to teach them that God wants us to be prosperous
.... ii. I had found out from taking the Dale Carnegie course in public speaking ..... that I had a real knack for public speaking
.... iii. I wanted the financial success that I was going to teach about
.... iv. I thought a residual income would maybe be a book

I finished my Bachelor’s Degree and picked up my new family and moved them to Ft Worth where I could pursue a Master’s degree in Christian Education. I figured if anyone could teach me the secrets of Christian success, it would be a Seminary
I tried time and again to get into something that would allow me to fulfill my goals. Nothing worked. Finally after five years I gave up, came back to Wichita, got my old job back and died inside
Maybe you could say I took the poison when I was 27 and died when I was 32.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

From a Friend

On October 17th a good friend of mine wrote this:

I was also totally blown away when I read that God met Moses at an inn on his way to Egypt with the intention of killing him.

It is well reading the whole article:

Friday, October 16, 2009


Notice how often the word ‘mood’ is used? As is ‘bad mood’?
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV)
Mood Disorders

The depressive disorders under a category in the DSM-IV called Mood Disorders. Included in this category are
1. Major depressive disorder,
2. A chronic mood disorder
3. Bipolar disorder,
4. A milder form of bipolar II consisting of recurrent mood disturbances between a mood state of elevated or irritable mood and chronic depression mood
5. Mood disorder due to a general medical condition,
a. seasonal affective disorder
b. substance-induced mood disorder.
6. Premenstrual disorder - refers only to a condition of mood and may be experienced in response to ordinary life events, such as illness or grief
7. Postpartum depression, has been proposed as a diagnosis for further study.

Once a diagnosis of a particular mood disorder is made, more detailed information about the diagnosis can be provided in the form of "specifiers."
For instance;

1. Major Depressive Disorder, Single Episode, Moderate, With Atypical Features
2. Major Depressive Disorder, Single Episode, Moderate, With Melancholic Features

Both diagnoses indicate the presence of the mood disorder- major depressive disorder.
Specifiers associated with the mood disorders are listed below:

1. Mild: A few symptoms, if any, are present beyond what is needed to make a diagnosis, and a person can function normally although with extra effort.
2. Moderate: The severity of symptoms is between mild and severe. For a manic episode, a person's activity is increased or judgment is impaired.
3. Severe Without Psychotic Features: Most symptoms are present and a person clearly has little or no ability to function.
4. A manic or mixed episode, a person needs to be supervised to protect him/her from harm to self or others.
5. Severe With Psychotic Features:
....a. A person experiences hallucinations or delusions.
....b. The presence of delusions and hallucinations often interfere with a person's ability to make sound judgments about consequences of their actions.
....c. A person in this condition needs immediate medical attention and possibly hospitalization.
6. Single Episode/Recurrent: A first episode is considered "single," subsequent episodes are "recurrent."
7. Chronic: For at least two years a person's symptoms have met criteria for a major depressive episode.
8. Catatonic Features: Unusual behaviors or movements such as immobility, excessive activity that is purposeless, rigid or peculiar posturing, mimicking others' words or behaviors.
9. Melancholic Features: A loss of pleasure in most activities or an inability to feel better, even for a short time when something pleasurable happens. Also, at least three of following is present:
....a. The depressed mood is distinct (i.e., unlike feelings of bereavement),
....b. It is worse in the morning, a person wakes too early in the morning
....c. There is distinct agitation or movements are slowed down
....d. Substantial weight loss/gain
....e. Extreme feelings of guilt.
10. Atypical Features:
....a. During the last two weeks of major depression or bipolar disorder
....b. Or the last two years of chronic depression,
....c. A person is able to experience brightened mood when good things happen
11. Postpartum Onset: The depressive episode begins within four weeks of giving birth.
12. With/Without Full Interepisode Recovery: Describes a long-term course of major depression or bipolar disorder.
13. Seasonal Pattern: Describes a pattern of depressive episodes which tend to begin (usually fall or winter) and end (usually spring).
14. Rapid-Cycling: Describes a recurrent pattern of depressive and manic episodes in bipolar disorder.
....a. A person has had at least four mood episodes during the last 12 months.
....b. There is either a general absence of symptoms between episodes or a clear switch from depression to mania.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Did You Know This?

A tinker was an individual who traveled Old England sharping scissors,knives and repairing holes in cooking pots. A wall of clay around a hole in th pot and filled with solder. This repaired the hole. The clay can be used only once; after that it is thrown away as worthless.

This phrase comes from the Bible. In Psalm 17:8 the writer asks God ‘keep me as the apple of your eye’.

Means thirteen. It is said to come from the days when bakers were severely punished for baking underweight loaves. Some added a loaf to a batch of a dozen to be above suspicion.

In the 18th century when many men wore wigs, the most important men wore the biggest wigs. Hence today important people are called big wigs.

Means to grin and bear a painful situation. It comes from the days before anesthetics. A soldier about to undergo an operation was given a bullet to bite.

Anchor cable was wrapped around posts called bitts. The last piece of cable was called the bitter end. If you let out the cable to the bitter end there was nothing else you could do, you had reached the end of your resources.

Means aristocratic. For centuries the Arabs occupied Spain but they were gradually forced out during the Middle Ages. The upper class in Spain had paler skin than most of the population as their ancestors had not inter-married with the Arabs. As they had pale skin the blue blood running through their veins was more visible. So blue-blooded came to mean upper class.

Once when a child was christened it was traditional for the godparents to give a silver spoon as a gift (if they could afford it!). However a child born in a rich family did not have to wait. He or she had it all from the start. They were ‘born with a silver spoon in their mouth’.

A brass monkey was a brass rack on which iron cannonballs were stacked. If it were very cold the brass rack would contract faster than the iron balls. The balls would fall off.

In an emergency rather than haul up an anchor the sailors would cut the anchor cable then run with the wind.

Originally this saying was devil to pay and no hot pitch. In a sailing ship a devil was the seam between planks. This had to be made waterproof. Fibers from old ropes were first hammered into the seam and then pitch (a tar-like substance) was poured (or paid) onto it. If you had the devil to pay and no hot pitch you were in trouble.

Don’t examine a gift too closely! You can tell a horse’s age by looking at its teeth, which is why people ‘looked a horse in the mouth’.

Muskets had a priming pan, which was filled with gunpowder. When flint hit steel it ignited the powder in the pan, which in turn ignited the main charge of gunpowder and fired the musket ball. However, sometimes the powder in the pan failed to light the main charge. In that case you had a flash in the pan.

By law a Roman soldier could force anybody to carry his equipment 1 mile. In Matthew 5:41 Jesus told his followers ‘if somebody forced you to go 1 mile go 2 miles with him’.

The ‘hook’ was a billhook, a tool for cutting hedges and the crook was a shepherd’s crook. If you could reach a branch ‘by hook or by crook’ you could cut it and use it for firewood.

On a sailing ship it was essential to know the ropes.

The most is offered in "The Journal of the American Medical Association" (vol. 155, no. 3). Mercury used to be used in the manufacture of felt hats, so hatters, or hat makers, would come into contact with this poisonous metal a lot. Unfortunately, the effect of such exposure may lead to mercury poisoning, one of the symptoms of which is insanity.

Comes from the use of a kind of whip called a cat o’ nine tails.

Something bought without checking it first. A poke was a bag. If you bought a pig in a poke it might turn out the ‘pig’ was actually a puppy or a cat.

A Spinster is an unmarried woman. Originally a spinster was simply a woman who made her living by spinning wool on a spinning wheel. However it was so common for single women to support themselves that way that by the 18th century ’spinster’ was a synonym for a middle-aged unmarried woman.

This phrase comes from the days when a line was scratched in the ground for a race. The racers would start from the scratch.

This phrase was originally STRAIT laces. The old English word strait meant tight or narrow. In Tudor times buttons were mostly for decoration. Laces were used to hold clothes together. If a woman was STRAIT laced she was prim and proper.

In the Middle Ages knights who fought at tournaments wore a token of their lady on their sleeves. Today if you make your feelings obvious to everybody you wear your heart on your sleeve.

Prince Edward, later Edward VI, had a boy who was whipped in his place every time he was naughty. No one was allowed to touch the Royal Prince.

In the1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have 'the rule of thumb.'

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only. Ladies Forbidden'…... and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

The first novel ever written on a typewriter; Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
One thousand

What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

In the time of Shakespeare mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened; making the bed firmer to sleep on. Thus the phrase....'Goodnight, sleep tight'

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So, in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Mary had a little Lamb,
His fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The Lamb was sure to go.
He followed her to school each day,
‘Twas not against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play,
To have the Lamb at school.
And then the rules all changed one day,
Illegal it became;
To bring the Lamb of God to school,
Or even speak His name.
Every day got worse and worse,
And days turned into years.
Instead of hearing children laughter,
We heard gun shots and tears.
What must we do to stop the shame
That’s in our schools today?
Let’s let the Lamb of God come back,
And teach our kids to pray!
Is there a direct correlation between what you say and what you do?
You be the judge.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Sherry’s in surgery and I wait

Across from me a family of twelve waits for news of their loved one. He’s in for open-heart surgery. Their concern is palpable and rightly so. He could so easily slip away into that great dark night from which no one returns.

Unbidden, dark thoughts crowd my mind; demanding attention. All the what-ifs clamber for attention.

What if the infection spreads? What if it overruns her defenses and she follows her sister, mother, and father to that place where I can not go? What if she leaves me and I am left to travel the corridors of time alone?

STOP! Stop thinking like this! Stop thinking these selfish thoughts. Its only the depression trying to worm its way back into my mind. This is simple surgery and I’ll see her again shortly.

But what if I lose her? What will I do? She is the light around which my life revolves. I don’t want life without her. We have been married almost half of our lives. I can’t conceive of life without her. What would be the point?

What is life without Sherry?

The volunteer behind the desk jars me from the downward spiral of my thoughts.

‘’Can I get you some coffee or coco Mr. Lavender?’’

I shake my head and mutter a, ‘’No thank you.’’

Grateful for the reprieve from these depressing thoughts, I get up to stretch my legs.

In the hallway I get a drink and turn back to the waiting room. I pass a nurse pushing a gurney. I don’t look. It’s so invasive to stare at another at what is for many the lowest point in their lives. Don’t look. Leave them what little dignity they have left. Just walk on by.

Don’t look. Just walk on by.

The nurse pushing the gurney stops and turns.

‘’Mr. Lavender?’’

I turn and see the greatest treasure my heart has ever held; Sherry.

Sherry is home now and doing fine. All my fears were just the wanderings of a frightened mind.

I have my treasure back.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Human Relations

I ran across this in my therapist’s office
I thought it would be nice to share it with my friends

A Short Course In Human Relations

The Six Most Important Words
‘’I Admit I Made A Mistake’’

The Five Most Important Words
‘’You Did A Good Job’’

The Four Most Important Words
‘’What Is Your Opinion’’

The Three Most Important Words
‘’If You Please’’

The Two Most Important Words
‘’Thank You’’

The One Most Important Word

The Least Important Word

Author unkown

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dark Past

On the tenth floor of a fine hotel in the colony of Hong Kong I sit on the edge of the bed with two of my younger brothers and listen as the battle rages in the next room. Inexplicably I’m drawn to the door that joins the two rooms, It’s neither courage nor curiosity that fuels my determination for I know what I’ll find when I cross the threshold. Rivers of red rage sweep through the room, crashing against the ceiling, flowing down the walls rushing back to engulf the man in the center of the room; my father. I see that his anger is fueled by this red river though he seems oblivious to the fact that he is the center of terrible demonic forces. His rage encompasses the entire room as it feeds and is fed by his emotional state.
The rage sweeps through the room and out to the balcony to crash incessantly against the woman who has retreated to this last corner. In her arms she holds a small child, my youngest brother. The rivers of red rage swell around her as she tries to protect herself and her child from the influence of this poison. It is evident that she is losing the battle because as I enter the room I hear her cry, “If you don’t stop I’ll drop him over the edge!” She holds my baby brother out over the edge of the balcony and looks to the street some 100 feet below.
“Go ahead and drop him. Then you can go to prison as a murderer,” My father responds.
I wade through the bloody anger to stop in front of my mother. As I hold out my hands I look into her eyes. I see nothing but a desperate love. Here is a woman who has been pushed into a terrible and lonely corner. There is no one to hold her tight and whisper, “Everything will be alright.” No one to hold her hand and say, “I love you and will be with you even in the bad times.” I look into her eyes and see through the terror and the pain, the woman that has loved and cared for me from the time I drew my first breath. What can I give her to make it better? Nothing. I have no power to add to or detract from the poison washing throughout the room. All I can do is remove my brother from scene of this emotional sinkhole.
“Give him to me.” Am I afraid that my mother will actually do something to my brother? The way she has treated my siblings and me in the past assures me that she would give her own life before she allowed any harm to come to one of her children. No, that is not even an issue. I’m not here to rescue my brother from my mother but to assist my mother in removing him from a volatile environment.
I take the child from her, turn and wade back through the raging poison. As I close the door behind me, I hear and feel the anger rising once again.
I still walk this dark past.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dancing In The Dark?

My wife just got back from our doctor. She went to see him about the problems she’s having with her sinuses.

She said all our doctor wanted to talk about was me. How’s Darrel doing? Is he feeling better? Is his new medication working? Why don’t you send him in?

Oh, by the way, how do you feel Sherry?

I don’t want to be the center of attention. I don’t want to take attention away from my wife’s problems.
I just want to go away somewhere dark and cold.
I have a song by Bruce Springsteen playing over and over again. I’ve changed the words so they fit me…………..I’m soooooooooo tired

I get up in the morning, and I ain’t got nothing to say
I come home in the evening, I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain’t nothing but tired, man I’m just tired and bored with myself
I could use just a little help….

You can’t start a can’t start a fire without a spark

Message keeps getting cloudy, radio’s on and I’m moving round the place
I check myself in the mirror. I wanna change my clothes my hair my face
Man I ain’t getting nowhere just living in a dump like this
There’s something happening somewhere, I just know that there is

You can’t start a can’t start a fire without a spark

You sit around getting older… there’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me
I’ll feel this world on my shoulders and the laughs on me

They say you got to stay hungry. I’m just about starving tonight
I’m dying for some action.
I’m sick of sitting round here trying to write this book

You can’t start a fire...sitting around crying of a broken heart

Am I filled with self-pity?

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Depression Is Not a Mood

Just thought I'd post this again . This blog is about depression, but as you can see by the symptoms, its difficult to actually sit down and write something. Would that I could. I'd pen lines of joy and happiness; lines of hope and a future. I don't know........would number 11 do any good?

When You're Depressed...
1. You feel sad or cry a lot and it doesn't go away.
2. You feel guilty for no real reason; you feel like you're no good; you've lost your confidence.
3. Life seems meaningless or like nothing good is ever going to happen again.
4. You have a negative attitude a lot of the time, or it seems like you have no feelings.
5. You don't feel like doing a lot of the things you used to like -- like music, sports, being with friends, going out -- and you want to be left alone most of the time.
6. It's hard to make up your mind. You forget lots of things, and it's hard to concentrate.
7. You get irritated often. Little things make you lose your temper; you overreact.
8. Your sleep pattern changes; you start sleeping a lot more or you have trouble falling asleep at night. Or you wake up really early most mornings and can't get back to sleep.
9. Your eating habits change; you've lost your appetite or you eat a lot more.
10. You feel restless and tired most of the time.
11. You think about death, or feel like you're dying, or have thoughts about committing suicide.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Life's Lessons

My sister sent me this and I found some real words of wisdom. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The
Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 44 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Monday, August 3, 2009

My Prayer

When I do things my way for pride or for show
Deep down within me I know
When I hurt others with things, I say or do
With remorse my voice calls out to you
Lord, I'm asking what am I worth?

A man made from clay to return to the earth
Through my shame, I hear you whisper
You may walk through Hell
But faith can still move mountains
Amazing grace has never failed

When I want to do right, I do wrong anyway
Still Jesus, You love me always
You hung alone on Calvary and now you hold my hand
Alone I can't make it but with you,
I can

Author Unknown

Friday, July 31, 2009

Chasing Demons

I know this is a bit ''over the top' but its all I can think of right now

Last night as I was crawling into bed I felt the demon of depression attempt to insinuate itself into my mind. Having spent the last several months relatively free from the scourge, I was acutely aware of its insidious attempts.

However, I found I was still unable to fight it off. It was just like old times….I felt completely powerless in the grip of this thing that had controlled my soul for so many years.

Nothing can describe the darkness of depression. The blanket of black that covers you as you lay there trying to sleep. Thoughts race through your mind. Thoughts of ‘’could have…should have''. Thoughts that won’t go away.

That’s where suicide is born.

When the pain of living becomes greater than the ability to cope.

Will I voluntarily step off into that abyss? No…. I believe my faith will see me through.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What do you see nurse?

Do you see an old woman or the girl within?

What do you see nurse?
What do you see?
What are you thinking when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise?
Uncertain of habit-with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice, ‘’I do wish you’d try’’.
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a sock or a shoe.
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding the long day to fill.

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you’re not seeing me.
I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still.
As I rise at your bidding and eat at your will.

I’m a child of ten, with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen with wings on my feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover I’ll meet.
A bride soon at twenty, my heart skips a beat.
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty five, building a secure, happy home.
A woman of forty, my children now all grown.
But my mate stays beside me, to see I don’t mourn.

At fifty, once again, babies play at my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.
I look at the future, and shudder with dread.
For my children are busy with young of their own.
And I think of the years and the love I have known.
I’m now an old lady and nature is cruel.
It’s her joke to make age look like a fool.

My body crumbles, grace and vigor depart.
A stone is now where I once had a heart.
But inside my old body a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my broken heart still swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I’m loving and living all over again.
I think of the years all too few-gone too fast.
And accept the plain fact that nothing will last.
So open your eyes nurse! Open and see!

Not a crabby old lady-look closer
See Me!
Author Unknown

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Saying Goodbye

In my last post I asked if I should write about myself or should I post educational material. The general consensus was that I write what was on my heart. So here goes....

The following is a portion of a monologue I wrote several years ago. It takes place some ten years in the future. If it seems a bit melodramatic and over the top keep in mind I was in a deep depression.

I pray no one takes umbrage with my words for they are my faith. This, I believe is my future.

His family is gathered round the bed: the room quiet save for the sound of labored breathing. He reaches out a feeble hand only to have it immediately grasped by two strong masculine ones.

‘’Is that you boy?’’ he asks in a quavering voice.

‘’Yes Dad, its me. I’m right here. We’re all here. Even your new great-grandson is here to see you.

‘’Let me see the child. I want to see him before its time.’’

‘’Now don’t be talking like that Dad. You’ll be out of here in no time.’’

He looks deep into the eyes of his beloved son and sees only a deep abiding love.
‘’We both know how I’ll be leaving this room Jason.’’

Jason begins to weep softly

‘’Now, now. My pain will soon be over and look at that beautiful baby you’re going to help raise. You have to be there for him. You have to take my place. Now hush up and let me see the boy.’’

His granddaughter pushes her way up to the head of the bed.
‘’Isn’t he the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen Papa? We named him after you. His name is Darrel Alan.’’

Amidst all his pain he manages a sigh of contentment. Life had not been easy but he had been able to pull it off and close his life out with peace and contentment. Yes, and lots of love.

Jason brushes a strand of gray hair from his father’s forehead.
‘’We’re all right here Dad. We’re all here. Dad? Daddy? Wake up Daddy. Daddy please wake up.’’ Jason cries softly.

He gasps and opens his eyes. There is no sense of feeling. No up or down. Nothing but darkness.

‘’Isn’t there supposed to be a bright light to follow or something?’’

A soft voice whispers. ‘’Wait. Be patient and wait.’’

He heeds the voice and waits quietly.

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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Little One

As he leaned him head against His shoulder, he felt a deep sense of peace flood through him entire being. A peace that passed all understanding. He was forgiven for all of his sins. He sensed that thime many, many sins that he was not even aware of, people he had hurt without meaning to, things he not done that he should have done, sins so hidden that only the Man beside him knew. They were all forgiven. Peace, gratitude, humility, but most of all joy. He was home at last.
Jesus led him to a smaller door off to the side of the great room. Two angels respectfully opened the door as they approached. Once inside the room, he was greeted with a wondrous sight a table perhaps two hundred feet long groaned with food of every kind and description. Around the table was something he could scarce believe. Acquaintances from church that had gone on before him and, Christian friends and family he had helped bury could it be? Yes, there were his grandparents seated near the head of the table. Strangely enough there was a gentleman seated beside them that he just knew was his father’s father, a man he had never seen before. A great assembly of his loved ones who had also put their trust in Jesus.
On the other side of the table near the head was a beautiful young girl. The girl was jumping up and down and waving at him. He looked like………..”He looks just like he did when he and Mom got married. He turned to Jesus. He responded, “Yes that’s your mothim, lovely creature isn’t he. He certainly seems happy to see you doesn’t he?”
A muscular young man in the seat next to him mothim jumped up so quickly that he threw his chair over backwards. He came running toward him.
“Oh, who can this be? He gasped
“You’d better get ready for a big hug from your Mom”, said the tall man beside him.
The young man reached him and tore him out of Jesus’ grasp and grabbed him in a bear hug then immediately tossed him in the air.
“Just like I used to do when you were little; remember baby?”
“I’m 96 years old. I can’t be roughhousing like this”, he said
“What? Look at yourself. You look like you’re 30 years old and not a day older”
A glance down at himself confirmed what him fathim had said. Something had happened to him. He no longer carried the weight of many years. His was a body that sang with vibrancy. The thrill of youth was in him blood. His was a body that wanted to run, to dance, to sing. The realization dawned upon him that this wonderful marvelous, energetic body was his to keep for eternity. The joy of it all overwhelmed him mind. Young again forever!
Bringing himself back to the present, he turned to his father with a simple query.
“Yes son?”
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