The Loneliness of Depression

1. Agitation - emotional state of excitement or restlessness
2. Anxiety - painful or uneasiness of mind
3. Fatigue - weariness from bodily or mental exertion
4. Guilt - a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,
wrong real or imagined
5. Irritability - easily irritated or annoyed; readily excited to
impatience or anger.
6. Suicidal ideation - thoughts about suicide, which may be as
detailed as a formulated plan, without the suicidal act itself
7. Rage - violent anger….a fit of violent anger

Agitation
I just can’t sit still.
I leave my office and go down to the assembly line. My hands sweat. Sweat runs down my sides. Everything is going okay…. except my leadman John is piling up way too many rejects. I’m going to have to pull someone off the line and have them repair the pumps on downtime. That will come right out of my budget and I have to account for every penny. I turn to Karen at the sub-assembly bench.
“Can I have a cigarette?”
‘I thought you quit smoking.”
“Just one…..come on Karen.”
“Okay but you were up to a pack a day and I thought you were doing so good”
“Just this one, okay?”
“That’s what you said an hour ago.”
“Come on…..just one more”
The nicotine hits my system and I feel a bit of respite.
Karen looks at me.
“Everything is going smooth Darrel; you don’t have anything to worry about.”
How does she know? Can she feel the terror I feel? How can she tell that I’m screaming inside? Can she really see my fear?
“Darrel, its okay.”
I turn and walk away before I break down and cry in front of her. I know she can see into my soul and that frightens me even more. I’ve got to get away from Karen lest all the fear come gushing out.
From ten feet away I glance back at her to see a quizzical/hurt look on her face. She knows and cares but I can’t let myself break the shell. My shell protects me.
My shell.