I open my eyes and fix them on the ceiling. A heavy weight presses down on my chest. Another day……. God, why did you allow me to live another day? The heaviness continues to press as I contemplate the day ahead of me. My soul cries silent tears, Not again, oh please God why another day? Why couldn’t you let me slip away into the great dark night?
I roll out of bed and head for the bathroom to perform my morning ablutions
I lean again the sink and stare into the brown eyes that used to be so alive with dreams and plans.
Aren’t the eyes the mirrors of the soul? These eyes are dead and vacant. There are no plans and dreams shining from them There is nothing but emptiness.
My feet dragging, I being to prepare for another day of deep dark misery
In the car, on the way to work I carefully begin to construct my mask. I must have my mask of cheer lest any find that I suffer from something no one understands. How many times have I heard
1. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps"
2. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
3. "There are a lot of people
worse off than you"4. "Happiness is a choice" (two prominent physicians)
5. "Have you been praying/reading the Bible?"
6. "This is a place of business, not a hospital" (after confiding to my supervisor about my depression)
7. "Depression is a symptom of your sin against God"
8. "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days"
9. "Quit whining. Go out and help someone else and you won't have time to brood"
I smile and act as though the advice that I am given is actually worthwhile. I know they mean well, but it’s like telling a polio victim they will walk again if they’ll just think a little more positively. Saying something like that would be an insult and the speaker would be shamed by others for making such remarks. My favorite is, “Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed for once for SEVERAL days”.
I wear the mask all day and find my energy sapped by the end of the day. It’s all I can do to get home and crash. What does this do to my family?
I’m a failure……………a failure…….nothing but the shell of a man.
I keep my mask close by lest I need it…….but what I really need is sleep so I can recharge for tomorrow………another hopeless day.
Hoping against hope that the night will close in on me and stop this pain……………..please stop the pain.
What an awful thing to witness, even if only by written word, someone in such misery. I believe I do understand because I've been there and not just for a few days. I know what you mean about the mask and the energy it takes to keep it in place. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to comment, I certainly have nothing to offer in the way of help. Are you on meds?
ReplyDeleteI was going to mention this before-- your wife has the sweetest face. What a wonderful gift to both of you to have someone for that many years.
Darrel,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are having such a bad day! I will be praying for you. I will cry your name out to God so that He will send you comfort and strength and mercy to get through this.
I know all about masks. If we let them slip for even a second, someone will see the "real" us and that is hardly ever a pretty picture. It is emotionally taxing to keep up the facade of being who people think we are.
I hope you feel better soon.
Hey i apologize i don know much about what you have asked, Sorry i did not publish your comment as it's not relevant to my blog...
ReplyDeleteyour comment was : Arif
What's the defference between a social network and a webring? I want to set uo a ring so people with depression can just jump from blog to blog until they find one they relate to. How do I do it?
darrel
papercages
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you care is enough. I really hate to say this but there are so many out there that just don't care....no that's not right...they would care if they understood. But who's going to tell them?
Thank you for your kind words about Sherry. She still looks just like she did in that picture........to me
inge
ReplyDeleteJames 5:16B pray for one another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man/woman availeth much.
Thank you for your prayers
Everyone wears a mask of sorts. Those of us with depression hide a dark, terrible secret
Thanks again
I asked Arif what the difference is between a social network and a webring. Perhaps someone else out there could answer the question.
ReplyDeleteI just had to comment after reading this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for putting into words what i'm not able to. For being brave enough to share your misery when I can't. For reminding me i'm not totally insane.
I have suffered with varing degrees of depression for years.
I face a similar battle everday when facing work, then collapsing on the bed in the evenings, completly emotionally exhausted by the end of the week.
I wish I was brave enough to show your post to my wife, doctor & therapist so they could begin to understand when i try to explain my battle with work and what it does to me. How trapped I feel by it, having to go day after day, but not daring to stop, as if I do I lose everthing. But needing to stop, to try and find some kind of rest.
I wish I had found an answer to this pain, that I could share, but I guess we both know by now it does not work like that.
Bingo
ReplyDeleteYou’ve already taken the first step in that you admitted to another how you feel; albeit a total stranger. I urge you to show this to those you trust. Below is the quote that was the impetuous for my starting to really get some help.
"It is impossible to explain the pain, anger, and exhaustion a mixed episode causes. It is to be filled with rage, at yourself and others and at the world. It is to have so much angry energy inside that you are sure you will explode. The mind can focus on nothing but death and hate. There is no reason. And there is no escape.
At least during a depressive episode you can escape in sleep, but when mixed there is no way out. There is no outlet for the fire, no way to ignore the pain of being."
Author Unknown
its like you took the words right from my mouth in this post....
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post. I too suffer from depression, tho not as severe as you I don't think. I have had people tell me some of those exact same things. I feel I wear a mask too - smiling and acting like everything is alright. It's very draining, exhausting and frustrating. Thank you for posting this. I am following...
ReplyDelete