What Not To Say

What NOT to say to a person suffering from depression

It is most tempting, when you find out someone is depressed, to attempt to immediately fix the problem. However, until the depressed person has given you permission to be their therapist (as a friend or professional), the following responses are more likely to hurt the depressed.

1. "Will you stop that constant whining? What makes you think that anyone cares?"
2. "Have you gotten tired yet of all this me-me-me stuff?"
3. "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear."
4. "But it's all in your mind."
5. "I thought you were stronger than that."
6. "No one ever said life was fair."
7. "As you get stronger you won't have to wallow in it as much."
8. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
9. "Do you feel better now?" (Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me "what's wrong?" and "would you like to talk about it?" with the best of intentions, but absolutely no understanding of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.)
10. "Why don't you just grow up?"
11. . "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
12. "There are a lot of people worse off than you."
13. "You have it so good, why aren't you happy?"
14. "It's a beautiful day!"
15. "You have so many things to be thankful for, why are you depressed?"
16. "What do you have to be depressed about?."
17. "Happiness is a choice." (two prominent physicians)
18. "You think you've got problems..."
19. "Well at least it's not that bad."
20. "Maybe you should take vitamins for your stress."
21. "There is always somebody worse off than you are."
22. "Lighten up!"
23. "You should get off all those pills."
24. "You are what you think."
25. "Cheer up!"
26. "You're always feeling sorry for yourself."
27. "Why can't you just be normal?"
28. "Things aren't that bad, are they?"
29. "Have you been praying/reading the Bible?"
30. "You need to get out more."
31. "We have to get together some time." [Yeah, right!]
32. "Get a grip!"
33. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." (Lincoln himself)
34. "Well, everyone gets depressed sometimes!"
35. "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone."
36. "You don't look depressed!"
37. "You're so selfish!"
38. "You never think of anyone but yourself."
39. "You're just looking for attention."
40. "You'll be a better person because of it!"
41. "Everybody has a bad day now and then."
42. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
43. "Why don't you smile more?"
44. "A person your age should be having the time of your life."
45. "The only one you're hurting is yourself."
46. "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it."
47. "This is a place of business, not a hospital." (after confiding to my supervisor about my depression)
48. "Depression is a symptom of your sin against God."
49. "You brought it on yourself"
50. "You can make the choice for depression and its effects, or against depression, it's all in your hands."
51. "Get off your rear and do something." -or- "Just do it!"
52. "Why should I care?"
53. "Snap out of it, will you?"
54. "You just want to feel this way."
55. "You have no reason to feel this way."
56. "Its your own fault."
57. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
58. "You're always worried about your problems."
59. "Your problems aren't that big."
60. "What are you worried about? You should be fine."
61. "Just don't think about it."
62. "Go Away."
63. "Just wait a few weeks, it'll be over soon."
64. "Go out and have some fun!"
65. "You're making me depressed as well..."
66. "I just want to help you."
67. "The world out there is not that bad..."
68. "Just try a little harder!"
69. "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
70. "You need a hobby."
71. "Just pull yourself together"
72. "You'd feel better if you went to church"
73. "I think your depression is a way of punishing us." (friends or relatives)
74. "Sh** or get off the pot."
75. "So, you're depressed. Aren't you always?"
76. "What you need is some real tragedy in your life to give you perspective."
77. This one is best executed with an evangelical-style handshake, i.e., one of my hand imprisoned by two belonging to a beefy person who thinks he has a lot more charisma than I do: "Our thoughts and prayers are with you”."
78. "You will be ok, just hang in there, it will pass." "This too shall pass." --Ann Landers
79. "Oh, perk up!"
80. "Try not being so depressed."
81. "Quit whining. Go out and help someone else and you won't have time to brood..."
82. "Go out and get some fresh air... that always makes me feel better."
83. "You have to take up your bed and carry on."
84. "Well, we all have our cross to bear."
85. "Just change your mind."
86. "You're useless."
87. "Nobody is responsible for your depression but you."
88. "You don't like feeling that way? So, change it."
89. What's your problem?"
90. "Why don't you give up going to these quacks (i.e., doctors) and throw out those pills, then you'll feel better."