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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Did You Know This?

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NOT WORTH A TINKER'S-DAM
A tinker was an individual who traveled Old England sharping scissors,knives and repairing holes in cooking pots. A wall of clay around a hole in th pot and filled with solder. This repaired the hole. The clay can be used only once; after that it is thrown away as worthless.

APPLE OF MY EYE
This phrase comes from the Bible. In Psalm 17:8 the writer asks God ‘keep me as the apple of your eye’.

BAKERS DOZEN
Means thirteen. It is said to come from the days when bakers were severely punished for baking underweight loaves. Some added a loaf to a batch of a dozen to be above suspicion.

BIG WIG
In the 18th century when many men wore wigs, the most important men wore the biggest wigs. Hence today important people are called big wigs.

BITE THE BULLET
Means to grin and bear a painful situation. It comes from the days before anesthetics. A soldier about to undergo an operation was given a bullet to bite.

BITTER END
Anchor cable was wrapped around posts called bitts. The last piece of cable was called the bitter end. If you let out the cable to the bitter end there was nothing else you could do, you had reached the end of your resources.

BLUE-BLOOD
Means aristocratic. For centuries the Arabs occupied Spain but they were gradually forced out during the Middle Ages. The upper class in Spain had paler skin than most of the population as their ancestors had not inter-married with the Arabs. As they had pale skin the blue blood running through their veins was more visible. So blue-blooded came to mean upper class.

BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN YOUR MOUTH
Once when a child was christened it was traditional for the godparents to give a silver spoon as a gift (if they could afford it!). However a child born in a rich family did not have to wait. He or she had it all from the start. They were ‘born with a silver spoon in their mouth’.

COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE THE BALLS OFF A BRASS MONKEY
A brass monkey was a brass rack on which iron cannonballs were stacked. If it were very cold the brass rack would contract faster than the iron balls. The balls would fall off.

CUT AND RUN
In an emergency rather than haul up an anchor the sailors would cut the anchor cable then run with the wind.

THE DEVIL TO PAY
Originally this saying was devil to pay and no hot pitch. In a sailing ship a devil was the seam between planks. This had to be made waterproof. Fibers from old ropes were first hammered into the seam and then pitch (a tar-like substance) was poured (or paid) onto it. If you had the devil to pay and no hot pitch you were in trouble.

DON’T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH
Don’t examine a gift too closely! You can tell a horse’s age by looking at its teeth, which is why people ‘looked a horse in the mouth’.

FLASH IN THE PAN
Muskets had a priming pan, which was filled with gunpowder. When flint hit steel it ignited the powder in the pan, which in turn ignited the main charge of gunpowder and fired the musket ball. However, sometimes the powder in the pan failed to light the main charge. In that case you had a flash in the pan.

GO THE EXTRA MILE
By law a Roman soldier could force anybody to carry his equipment 1 mile. In Matthew 5:41 Jesus told his followers ‘if somebody forced you to go 1 mile go 2 miles with him’.

BY HOOK OR BY CROOK
The ‘hook’ was a billhook, a tool for cutting hedges and the crook was a shepherd’s crook. If you could reach a branch ‘by hook or by crook’ you could cut it and use it for firewood.

KNOW THE ROPES
On a sailing ship it was essential to know the ropes.

MAD AS A HATTER
The most is offered in "The Journal of the American Medical Association" (vol. 155, no. 3). Mercury used to be used in the manufacture of felt hats, so hatters, or hat makers, would come into contact with this poisonous metal a lot. Unfortunately, the effect of such exposure may lead to mercury poisoning, one of the symptoms of which is insanity.

NOT ENOUGH ROOM TO SWING A CAT
Comes from the use of a kind of whip called a cat o’ nine tails.

A PIG IN A POKE
Something bought without checking it first. A poke was a bag. If you bought a pig in a poke it might turn out the ‘pig’ was actually a puppy or a cat.

SPINSTER
A Spinster is an unmarried woman. Originally a spinster was simply a woman who made her living by spinning wool on a spinning wheel. However it was so common for single women to support themselves that way that by the 18th century ’spinster’ was a synonym for a middle-aged unmarried woman.

START FROM SCRATCH
This phrase comes from the days when a line was scratched in the ground for a race. The racers would start from the scratch.

STRAIGHT LACED
This phrase was originally STRAIT laces. The old English word strait meant tight or narrow. In Tudor times buttons were mostly for decoration. Laces were used to hold clothes together. If a woman was STRAIT laced she was prim and proper.

WEAR YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE
In the Middle Ages knights who fought at tournaments wore a token of their lady on their sleeves. Today if you make your feelings obvious to everybody you wear your heart on your sleeve.

WHIPPING BOY
Prince Edward, later Edward VI, had a boy who was whipped in his place every time he was naughty. No one was allowed to touch the Royal Prince.

RULE OF THUMB
In the1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have 'the rule of thumb.'

GOLF
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only. Ladies Forbidden'…... and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

SLEEPING TOGETHER
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

MONEY
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

READING & HEARING
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

ELBOW
It is impossible to lick your elbow.

WILDERNESS
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

DOGS
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

NOVEL
The first novel ever written on a typewriter; Tom Sawyer.

MONUMENTS
The San Francisco Cable cars are mobile National Monuments.

CARDS
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

MULTIPLY
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

STATUE
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

DECLARATION
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

NUMBERS
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
One thousand

FOOD
What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey

MATRESSES
In the time of Shakespeare mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened; making the bed firmer to sleep on. Thus the phrase....'Goodnight, sleep tight'

DRINKING
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So, in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

READ THIS
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Monday, August 3, 2009

My Prayer

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When I do things my way for pride or for show
Deep down within me I know
When I hurt others with things, I say or do
With remorse my voice calls out to you
Lord, I'm asking what am I worth?

A man made from clay to return to the earth
Through my shame, I hear you whisper
You may walk through Hell
But faith can still move mountains
Amazing grace has never failed

When I want to do right, I do wrong anyway
Still Jesus, You love me always
You hung alone on Calvary and now you hold my hand
Alone I can't make it but with you,
I can

Author Unknown

Friday, February 6, 2009

The Man Rules



At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say WHATEVER you have to say during commercials.. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared t o discuss such topics as BASEBALL, Football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know , I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

You know you're living in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password in the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have in the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You' re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
16. If you're picking you a friend and you phone from the driveway rather than honk; or (God forbid) go knock on the door.