I depend on Lithium to control my depression, but since the hospital episode I'm afraid to take it. (See previous post) I can't sink back into the hell of depression. I can't. I won't. This is what I found out about overdosing on Lithium. I was experiencing most of the symptoms. Why didn't my psych spot them?
I depend on Lithium to control my depression, but since the hospital episode I'm afraid to take it. (See previous post) I can't sink back into the hell of depression. I can't. I won't. This is what I found out about overdosing on Lithium. I was experiencing most of the symptoms. Why didn't my psych spot them?
A flurry of doctors and nurses hovered above my bed. “Check this, check that. How’s he responding?” Finally, “He’s coming out of it. He’ll be alright; you can move him to ICU now.
All this was a blur that I vaguely remember. My first clear recollection was that of a psychiatric nurse standing at the foot of my bed asking me if I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on Lithium.
I really can’t remember. I don’t want to commit suicide. Since my depression is under control, I have too much to live for. I would never do something like that; would I? I agonized; wondering if I did the unthinkable. Would I? Could I?
But what did cause my black out? I remember nothing after I went to bed Tuesday night. Sherry tells me I insisted that she go on to the bookstore without me the next morning. She tells me that she later called our daughter to go check on me. Our daughter and her husband let themselves in and went back to the master bedroom only to find me curled up in a fetal position at the head of the bed. Kimlin says that I insisted that Shaun dress me while she left the room. I don’t remember any of this; just waking up in ICU.
“But I’ve been taking Lithium for years and all it’s done is stabilize my mood. How can it knock me out after all these years?” She mumbled something about kidneys processing and went on to grill me about wanting to die. I didn’t want to die; I wanted to find out how Lithium could knock me out. I never did get a straight answer. Instead I got a nurse who asked me if I could write my name, write a check, write down my address, make change for a one dollar bar of soap, catch a cross-town bus; (I flunked this one because I haven’t ridden a city bus in 40 years). So she asked me if I could find my house from the hospital. I asked her about the Lithium but she didn’t know. I left the hospital two days later with my question still unanswered. I continue to wonder. What if it happens again and I don't wake up?
I don't know who Cathe St Jean is but she knows my heart. The words she has penned speak directly to the way I feel so much of the time Perhaps you too have been ALONE.
Alone - alone in a crowd The fears that I will never say aloud The hidden tears no one will ever see Alone in a crowd . . Just me
People going here and there Sometime they smile, sometimes they glare Some run fast and some so slow In life's constant ebb and flow
Alone - alone in a crowd The fears that I will never say aloud The hidden tears no one will ever see Alone in a crowd . . Just me
They say hello, how do you do? What can I do to help you? With a face that isn't real Just to try and seal the deal
Alone - alone in a crowd The fears that I will never say aloud The hidden tears no one will ever see Alone in a crowd . . Just me
It's party time. Let's sing and dance Raise the glasses and give the glance Tell some stories, hear some lies Meet the jokers in disguise
Alone - alone in a crowd The fears that I will never say aloud The hidden tears no one will ever see Alone in a crowd . . Just me
I open my eyes and fix them on the ceiling. A heavy weight presses down on my chest. Another day……. God, why did you allow me to live another day? The heaviness continues to press as I contemplate the day ahead of me. My soul cries silent tears, Not again, oh please God why another day? Why couldn’t you let me slip away into the great dark night? I roll out of bed and head for the bathroom to perform my morning ablutions I lean again the sink and stare into the brown eyes that used to be so alive with dreams and plans. Aren’t the eyes the mirrors of the soul? These eyes are dead and vacant. There are no plans and dreams shining from them There is nothing but emptiness. My feet dragging, I being to prepare for another day of deep dark misery In the car, on the way to work I carefully begin to construct my mask. I must have my mask of cheer lest any find that I suffer from something no one understands. How many times have I heard 1. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" 2. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" 3. "There are a lot of people worse off than you" 4. "Happiness is a choice" (two prominent physicians) 5. "Have you been praying/reading the Bible?" 6. "This is a place of business, not a hospital" (after confiding to my supervisor about my depression) 7. "Depression is a symptom of your sin against God" 8. "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days" 9. "Quit whining. Go out and help someone else and you won't have time to brood"
I smile and act as though the advice that I am given is actually worthwhile. I know they mean well, but it’s like telling a polio victim they will walk again if they’ll just think a little more positively. Saying something like that would be an insult and the speaker would be shamed by others for making such remarks. My favorite is, “Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed for once for SEVERAL days”. I wear the mask all day and find my energy sapped by the end of the day. It’s all I can do to get home and crash. What does this do to my family? I’m a failure……………a failure…….nothing but the shell of a man. I keep my mask close by lest I need it…….but what I really need is sleep so I can recharge for tomorrow………another hopeless day. Hoping against hope that the night will close in on me and stop this pain……………..please stop the pain.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say WHATEVER you have to say during commercials.. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared t o discuss such topics as BASEBALL, Football or golf.
1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know , I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1. You accidentally enter your password in the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have in the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You' re reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. 16. If you're picking you a friend and you phone from the driveway rather than honk; or (God forbid) go knock on the door.
As a young girl of 10, Marilyn Shuler developed polio; a virus which has been virtually eliminated in the United States. However, in the 1940s and '50s, when Marilyn was a girl; polio was an epidemic, affecting thousands of children every summer. Polio was the AIDS of its day, with fear and misunderstanding about contagion. Not only was the disease physically crippling and potentially fatal, but it also carried a tremendous social stigma; mostly because it was associated with poverty. The stigma was compounded by the forced quarantining of the entire family for three weeks once polio was diagnosed in any member of the household. The social isolation gave Marilyn empathy with others who; because of the color of their skin, their religion, or other disabilities; were also seen in an unfair way.
"I couldn't go to school because of the stairs; I couldn't climb them.” The lowest point, she says, was when she fell in a class and the teacher refused to help her up.
"If I'm on a scooter, having a hard time, people are courteous because it's very obvious I need help. But I wonder what it would be like if I had a mental disability? I could have walked in, feeling like committing suicide, and no one would know because it's so hidden. It isn't as easy to be of assistance."
So many of us suffer from an ‘invisible disability’. The people around us would be happy to help us but they can’t see the thoughts of suicide that run constantly thru our minds. Those that have been told that such things are happening to others just can’t believe people could think those kind thoughts. Many of us suffer from the ‘polio’ of our day. It is our duty to educate both ourselves and those around us.
I married a sweet, innocent girl 39 years ago and she married depression. She has stood by me these many, many years. She’s been my comfort and the rock I've clung to for almost as long as I can remember. I would gladly lay down my life for her
She has never read my blog so she will never see this. I have a few friends out there and I want them to know how I feel about my life partner. She’s the reason I want to live. I love her
I'LL GO TO MY GRAVE LOVING YOU (written by Don Reid) The Statler Brothers - 1975
I'll go to my grave Loving you I'd give all I've saved Loving you And when I live again Even then, it won't end For I'll go to my grave Loving you
Oh to stay this way forever There's nothing I wouldn't give I'll prove to you daily what a man really is
I'll lay down my life Loving you I'd work day & night Loving you And when God calls us both above Honey you'll know that you've been loved For I'll go to my grave Loving you I love you Sherry
Vagus Nerve Stimulation (VNS) is a treatment for certain types of major depression. VNS uses an implanted stimulator that sends electric impulses to the left vagus nerve in the neck thru a lead wire implanted under the skin.
VNS Therapy has been shown to significantly enhance the quality of life. Benefits include increased energy, improved relationships with friends and family members, and better ability to function at work and in daily activities. VNS Therapy has been shown to succeed when other antidepressant treatments have not worked or have stopped working. The effectiveness of VNS Therapy improves over time and lasts long term. VNS Therapy is delivered by a small device that is implanted in the left chest, just under the skin much like a pacemaker. From there, electrical leads are connected through a second incision to the left vagus nerve in the neck. This whole procedure takes about an hour. It's typically done as an outpatient basis. VNS delivers a small amount of electrical current to the left vagus nerve. The electrical impulses are thought to desynchronize the abnormal electrical brain activity.
I was going to write about suicidal ideation but my wife said what I wrote was too morbid. She also said it might give others an excuse too do something that can not be undone. I'd appreciate some feedback. Should I or would I do damage to others? If there's a chance I might hurt someone, I won't do it.
I just want to lighten the mood a bit. I've been getting depressed writing this blog. I saw something like this on Nether Region of Earth ll I've been keeping a list of my own for some time now. If you're my age...60 going on 16 you may find some humor in this list. I hope so. Have fun
I Remember:
1. "Only The Shadow Knows" 2. 15 Cent McDonald Hamburgers 3. 25 Cent A Gallon Gasoline 4. 45 Rpm Records 5. 5 Cent Packs Of Baseball Cards - With A Pink Slab Of Bubble Gum 6. 78 Rpm Records! 7. A Seam In Women’s Hose 8. Alaska And Hawaii Becoming States 9. American Bandstand 10. Armstrong Stepping Onto The Moon 11. Baseball Cards In The Spokes Of A Bicycle 12. Blackjack, Clove, Tutti-Frutti And Teaberry Chewing Gum 13. Pop Bottle Openers 14. Burning Our Trash In The Back Yard 15. Candy Cigarettes 16. Charles Atlas Course, 17. Cigar Bands For Rings 18. Clotheslines 19. Coffee Shops With Tableside Jukeboxes 20. Cooties 21. Cork Pop Guns 22. Duck-Tail Hair 23. Erector Sets 24. Flat Tops, 25. Fly Paper, 26. Going Steady 27. Green Stamps 28. Having A Weapon In School Meant Being Caught With A Slingshot 29. Hi-Fi's 30. Hula Hoops first came out 31. Home Milk Delivery In Glass Bottles With Cardboard Stoppers 32. Home-Made Ice Cream 33. Howdy Doody, 34. Hula Hoops 35. Indian Burn 36. James Dean 37. Lincoln Logs 38. Lost In Space 39. Loud Mufflers 40. Metal Ice Cube Trays With Levers 41. Moon Hubcaps 42. My Three Sons 43. Newsreels Before The Movie 44. Oly-Oly-Axen-Free Free Free 45. One Bathroom Homes 46. Our First TV Set 47. P F Fliers 48. Party Lines 49. Pedal Pushers 50. Penny Candy 51. Penny Loafers 52. Window Air Conditioners 53. Petticoats 54. Rin Tin Tin 55. Roller-Skate Keys 56. Rotary Dial Telephones 57. Roy Rogers 58. Sadie Hawkin’s Dance 59. Sock Hops, 60. Soda Pop Machines That Dispensed Glass Bottles 61. Stick Shifts 62. Studebakers 63. Swamp Coolers 64. 'Swats' In School 65. Steel Taps On Your Shoes 66. Telephone Numbers With A Word Prefix...(Raymond 4-6011). 67. The Hit Parade 68. The Kennedy Assassination 69. The Nelsons 70. The Outhouse At Grandma’s 71. The Worst Embarrassment Was Being Picked Last For A Team 72. Walking To School In The Rain 73. Washtub Wringers 74. Wax Coke-Shaped Bottles With Colored Sugar Water Inside
As you can see: I have a lot of dead-looking trees on my site. They are called Bristlecone Pines and are the oldest trees (oldest living things) in the world. They appear to be dead but are very much alive. History books generally point to 2550 B.C. as the approximate date when the pyramid of Giza was under construction To help you realize just how old today's Bristlecones are, some of theses ancient trees were taking root when the pyramids were being built. One of the oldest still alive, called Methuselah, has been dated at 4,775 years. Methuselah was some 3,000 years old when Jesus walked the earth. They appear dead on the outside but are alive on the inside. A depressed person is just the opposite. We appear to be quite alive on the outside but are dead within.
I have decided to take the seven symptoms of depression 'mixed states' that I suffered 'and still feel', and write about them. I'm not going to 'teach' depression but I'm going to 'talk' depression. Some of you will be offended and I apologize in advance for that but I feel the the only way to: 1 obtain the catharsis I need 2 give someone who suffers like me some help 3 enable 'normal' people to understand that depression is a real disease and we can't help the way we feel When I build up the courage
1. Agitation - emotional state of excitement or restlessness 2. Anxiety - painful or uneasiness of mind 3. Fatigue - weariness from bodily or mental exertion 4. Guilt - a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, wrong real or imagined 5. Irritability - easily irritated or annoyed; readily excited to impatience or anger. 6. Suicidal ideation - thoughts about suicide, which may be as detailed as a formulated plan, without the suicidal act itself 7. Rage - violent anger….a fit of violent anger
Agitation I just can’t sit still. I leave my office and go down to the assembly line. My hands sweat. Sweat runs down my sides. Everything is going okay…. except my leadman John is piling up way too many rejects. I’m going to have to pull someone off the line and have them repair the pumps on downtime. That will come right out of my budget and I have to account for every penny. I turn to Karen at the sub-assembly bench. “Can I have a cigarette?” ‘I thought you quit smoking.” “Just one…..come on Karen.” “Okay but you were up to a pack a day and I thought you were doing so good” “Just this one, okay?” “That’s what you said an hour ago.” “Come on…..just one more” The nicotine hits my system and I feel a bit of respite. Karen looks at me. “Everything is going smooth Darrel; you don’t have anything to worry about.” How does she know? Can she feel the terror I feel? How can she tell that I’m screaming inside? Can she really see my fear? “Darrel, its okay.” I turn and walk away before I break down and cry in front of her. I know she can see into my soul and that frightens me even more. I’ve got to get away from Karen lest all the fear come gushing out. From ten feet away I glance back at her to see a quizzical/hurt look on her face. She knows and cares but I can’t let myself break the shell. My shell protects me. My shell.
1. A neuron sends a transmitter across the synapse (gap between neurons) and 2. The next neuron receives it thru a receptor on its surface. When a matching neurotransmitter and receptor come into contact with each other, the neurotransmitter locks into the receptor. 3. The receptor then becomes activated. 4. When there are no neurotransmitter molecules around to unlock the receptors, the receptors remain in a closed or inactive state 5. Free floating neurotransmitters are taken back up by the neuron that originally released them. This is called reuptake.
SSRIs inhibit (or reduce) the action of reuptake so that there is more serotonin in the synapse
It has been found that there is an association between depression and three main neurotransmitters: 1. Serotonin, 2. Norepinephrine 3. Dopamine
These three neurotransmitters function within the brain and regulate emotions 1. Reactions to stress 2. Physical drives of a. sleep b. appetite c. sexuality.
The reason many people do not seek help for depression is that they simply do not recognize the symptoms. Listed below are eleven more types of depression. Let me know if I’ve missed any and I’ll be glad to include them.
1) Major Depressive Disorder See below
2) Dysthymic Disorder See below
3) Manic Depression See below
4) Mixed States See below
5) Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – A type of depressive disorder which is characterized by episodes of major depression which reoccur at a specific time of the year (e.g. fall, winter). In the past two years, depressive periods occur at least two times without any episodes that occur at a different time.
6) Post Partum Depression – Major depressive episode that occurs after having a baby. Depressive symptoms usually begin within four weeks of giving birth and can vary in intensity and duration.
7) Atypical Depression (Sub-type of Major Depression or Dysthymia) - Characterized by a temporary improvement in mood in reaction to positive events and two (or more) of the following: • Increase or decrease in appetite • Over sleeping • Heavy feeling in arms or legs • Long standing pattern of sensitivity to rejection
8) Chronic Depression – Major depressive episode that lasts for at least two years.
9) Double Depression – Someone who has Dysthymia (chronic mild depression) and also experiences a major depressive episode (more severe depressive symptoms lasting at least two weeks).
10) Endogenous Depression – Endogenous means from within the body. This type of depression is defined as feeling depressed for no apparent reason.
11) Situational Depression or Reactive Depression (also known as Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood) – Depressive symptoms developing in response to a specific stressful situation or event (e.g. job loss, relationship ending). These symptoms occur within 3 months of the stressor and lasts no longer than 6 months after the stressor (or its consequences) has ended. Depression symptoms cause significant distress or impairs usual functioning (e.g. relationships, work, school) and do not meet the criteria for major depressive disorder.
12) Agitated Depression – Kind of major depressive disorder which is characterized by agitation such as physical and emotional restlessness, irritability and insomnia, which is the opposite of many depressed individuals who have low energy and feel slowed down physically and mentally.
13) Psychotic Depression – Major depressive episode with psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations (e.g. hearing voices), delusions (false beliefs).
14) Melancholic Depression (Sub-type of Major Depressive Disorder) - Main features of this kind of depression include either a loss of pleasure in virtually all activities or mood does not temporarily improve in response to a positive event. Also, three (or more) of the following are present: • Depressed mood that has a distinct quality (e.g. different from feeling depressed when grieving) • Depression is consistently worse in the morning • Waking up earlier than usual (at least 2 hours) • Noticeable excessive movement or slowing down • Significant decrease in appetite or weight loss • Feeling excessive or inappropriate guilt
15) Catatonic Depression - (Sub-type of Major Depressive Disorder) – This type of depression is characterized by at least two of the following: • Loss of voluntary movement and inability to react to one's environment • Excessive movement (purposeless and not in response to one's environment) • Extreme resistance to instructions/suggestions or unable/unwilling to speak • Odd or inappropriate voluntary movements or postures (e.g. repetitive movements, bizarre mannerisms or facial expressions) • Involuntarily repeating someone’s words or movements in a meaningless way
