What do you see nurse?

Do you see an old woman or the girl within?

What do you see nurse?
What do you see?
What are you thinking when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise?
Uncertain of habit-with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice, ‘’I do wish you’d try’’.
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a sock or a shoe.
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding the long day to fill.

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you’re not seeing me.
I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still.
As I rise at your bidding and eat at your will.

I’m a child of ten, with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen with wings on my feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover I’ll meet.
A bride soon at twenty, my heart skips a beat.
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty five, building a secure, happy home.
A woman of forty, my children now all grown.
But my mate stays beside me, to see I don’t mourn.

At fifty, once again, babies play at my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.
I look at the future, and shudder with dread.
For my children are busy with young of their own.
And I think of the years and the love I have known.
I’m now an old lady and nature is cruel.
It’s her joke to make age look like a fool.

My body crumbles, grace and vigor depart.
A stone is now where I once had a heart.
But inside my old body a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my broken heart still swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I’m loving and living all over again.
I think of the years all too few-gone too fast.
And accept the plain fact that nothing will last.
So open your eyes nurse! Open and see!

Not a crabby old lady-look closer
See Me!
Author Unknown

Saying Goodbye

In my last post I asked if I should write about myself or should I post educational material. The general consensus was that I write what was on my heart. So here goes....

The following is a portion of a monologue I wrote several years ago. It takes place some ten years in the future. If it seems a bit melodramatic and over the top keep in mind I was in a deep depression.

I pray no one takes umbrage with my words for they are my faith. This, I believe is my future.

His family is gathered round the bed: the room quiet save for the sound of labored breathing. He reaches out a feeble hand only to have it immediately grasped by two strong masculine ones.

‘’Is that you boy?’’ he asks in a quavering voice.

‘’Yes Dad, its me. I’m right here. We’re all here. Even your new great-grandson is here to see you.

‘’Let me see the child. I want to see him before its time.’’

‘’Now don’t be talking like that Dad. You’ll be out of here in no time.’’

He looks deep into the eyes of his beloved son and sees only a deep abiding love.
‘’We both know how I’ll be leaving this room Jason.’’

Jason begins to weep softly

‘’Now, now. My pain will soon be over and look at that beautiful baby you’re going to help raise. You have to be there for him. You have to take my place. Now hush up and let me see the boy.’’

His granddaughter pushes her way up to the head of the bed.
‘’Isn’t he the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen Papa? We named him after you. His name is Darrel Alan.’’

Amidst all his pain he manages a sigh of contentment. Life had not been easy but he had been able to pull it off and close his life out with peace and contentment. Yes, and lots of love.

Jason brushes a strand of gray hair from his father’s forehead.
‘’We’re all right here Dad. We’re all here. Dad? Daddy? Wake up Daddy. Daddy please wake up.’’ Jason cries softly.



He gasps and opens his eyes. There is no sense of feeling. No up or down. Nothing but darkness.

‘’Isn’t there supposed to be a bright light to follow or something?’’

A soft voice whispers. ‘’Wait. Be patient and wait.’’

He heeds the voice and waits quietly.

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Little One

As he leaned him head against His shoulder, he felt a deep sense of peace flood through him entire being. A peace that passed all understanding. He was forgiven for all of his sins. He sensed that thime many, many sins that he was not even aware of, people he had hurt without meaning to, things he not done that he should have done, sins so hidden that only the Man beside him knew. They were all forgiven. Peace, gratitude, humility, but most of all joy. He was home at last.
Jesus led him to a smaller door off to the side of the great room. Two angels respectfully opened the door as they approached. Once inside the room, he was greeted with a wondrous sight a table perhaps two hundred feet long groaned with food of every kind and description. Around the table was something he could scarce believe. Acquaintances from church that had gone on before him and, Christian friends and family he had helped bury could it be? Yes, there were his grandparents seated near the head of the table. Strangely enough there was a gentleman seated beside them that he just knew was his father’s father, a man he had never seen before. A great assembly of his loved ones who had also put their trust in Jesus.
On the other side of the table near the head was a beautiful young girl. The girl was jumping up and down and waving at him. He looked like………..”He looks just like he did when he and Mom got married. He turned to Jesus. He responded, “Yes that’s your mothim, lovely creature isn’t he. He certainly seems happy to see you doesn’t he?”
A muscular young man in the seat next to him mothim jumped up so quickly that he threw his chair over backwards. He came running toward him.
“Oh, who can this be? He gasped
“You’d better get ready for a big hug from your Mom”, said the tall man beside him.
The young man reached him and tore him out of Jesus’ grasp and grabbed him in a bear hug then immediately tossed him in the air.
“Just like I used to do when you were little; remember baby?”
“I’m 96 years old. I can’t be roughhousing like this”, he said
“What? Look at yourself. You look like you’re 30 years old and not a day older”
A glance down at himself confirmed what him fathim had said. Something had happened to him. He no longer carried the weight of many years. His was a body that sang with vibrancy. The thrill of youth was in him blood. His was a body that wanted to run, to dance, to sing. The realization dawned upon him that this wonderful marvelous, energetic body was his to keep for eternity. The joy of it all overwhelmed him mind. Young again forever!
Bringing himself back to the present, he turned to his father with a simple query.
“Dad?”
“Yes son?”
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Where Am I?

Within what seems to be only moments, a light appear in the distance and rapidly approaches. He watches with a strange sense of calm. the light soon takes on the form of men dressed all in white. The being stops beside him and takes an arm.

‘’Where are we going he asks with some apprehension/’’

‘’You’re going home and I’m here to guide you.''

The two of them move thru what seems to be the entire universe in just moments. Plants, suns, galaxies flash past them in a blur of movement. The journey ends abruptly before a great golden door. He notices that the door itself must be at least ten stories high. To his relief he notes that the stands wide open.

The being of light usurers he thru the door and into the room beyond. At this point, he vanishes; leaving him all alone in a room that is so beautiful in can not be described. Everything seemed to be either made of gold or encrusted with precious stones. The mere pavement was made of gold that it actually appears to be transparent. Diamonds of every cut and color seem to have been swept aside to allow for comfortable walking. He picks up one diamond the size of his fist, admires it then tosses it back into the pile of others like it.
‘‘This must truly be heaven’’, he thought to himself.

Drawn farther into the room he begins to make out a presence in the distance. Compelled to move forward he continues to approach the being. Then the realization struck him. He was approaching the throne itself. He was approaching God. Fear begins to grip his heart. The closer he drew to the presence of the Eternal God the more he realizes that a mistake had surely been made. What of my sins? Closer still and the sins of his life began to boil out of him like some loathsome disease.

‘’I’ve sinned! I have sinned before God and man! I am doomed to hell! I’m doomed to hell! I’m damned!’’

More sins come to his mind; sins of commission and sins of omission. More sins begin; sins began to pile into his conscious mind. Sins he had completely forgotten slapped him in the face; sins he thought no one else even knew came back to haunt him. He fell to his knees and with his head in his head he began to sob He wept bitter tears for all the things that could have/should have been done

‘'I can not bear the weight and pain of all my sins!’’

All the things that should have been began to flood his consciousnesses.

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Heaven?

Oh my God, is there no end to my wickedness?”
From the deep recesses of the enormous room, a voice thundered. “There is no end to your sins.”
He looks and sees to the side of the room another great door opened. This door is completely different from the first This door uncovers a pit that is without end. Deep and without end, it sinks into a bottomless abyss. A fire blazes and there is no quenching this fire. It rises from the pit and scorches him face with its heat. It is, however, the cries that emanated from the pit that terrify him. The screams come from the souls of those doomed to spend eternity in torment. Him own soul shrinks within him.
He gazes down into the depths of the pit and then in one desperate motion, throws himself on him face and begins to crawl on him belly. He digs him fingernails into the golden floor in an effort to get as far from the pit as possible.
“Oh dear God have mercy on me a sinner! In the name of Jesus have mercy on my soul! Have mercy. I have sinned against God and man. I am sinful to the core. I was born in sin, lived, and died in sin. I ask, no I beg, for mercy. Have mercy on me in the name of Jesus. In the name of Jesus, forgive me!
When at last he has exhausted all of him efforts, he lies on the golden floor sobbing wretchedly. Nothing can save him from the terrifying abyss. He is doomed by him own actions. Him own conscious betrays him.
He feels the touch of a warm hand on him back. At the touch, he screams and jerks away fearing it is an angel come to cast him in the pit. “No, in Jesus name protect me from my own sin”, he cries.
A gentle voice speaks to him. “You needed to see that you were not worthy to enter my Father’s presence. However, remember what you did when you were yet a small child? You accepted Me as your personal Savior. Remember, you asked me to come into your heart and to forgive you of all your sins? All your sins mean just that. All. There is no sin that I cannot forgive because I am Jesus The Christ; I am The Son God who died for all your sins
He peers up from him prone position to look into the most beautiful face he has ever seen. Jesus Christ The Son of the Living God. He doesn’t know how he recognizes Him but he knows who this Man is. He just knows. Yes he had asked Him into him heart when he was just a child. He remembered it well, for his father had often reminded him that Jesus had forgiven him for past, present, and future sins. He was forgiven. He had prayed to God in His name all him life. He had tried to live a good Christian life, but this was so much more than just trying. This was forgiveness for all sin.
With a voice that soothed the torment of him soul he said, “Come, little one. I have a special surprise for you. He placed his hand under his and helps him to him feet. he hadn’t been “little one” in many years.
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page 3 of 5

Banquet

Do you think I might be able to sit in on your banquet? It looks so wonderful and I would so much love to talk to grandma and grandpa, I so much want to meet your father. I want to love and hold my wonderful mother again. I want to see my brother-in-law who was more than a friend how much I love him. Please? I promise I won’t be in the way and I’ll keep quiet. I don’t need a chair; I’ll just walk around the table and talk to my precious family. Please? You won’t even know I’m here.
He looked at him with the love he had forgotten and said,

“Darrel, this banquet is in your honor, son!”
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5 of 5

What To Do?

Gotta question for ya. When I started this blog it was with the intention of educating both those who suffer from depression and their loved ones.

There are so many people out there that are just like me. They are searching desperately for some solution to the mental anguish they go thru every single day of their lives.

I am by no means and expert on depression but I do know something about it and I planned to do a lot of research and present my findings in layman’s terms. (I used to try to wade into ‘doctor’s speak’ and just wound up discouraged.)

My wife, however, told me that no one is interested in reading something they can get on the internet and within five minutes have all the information they need.

I did sort of an unofficial survey to see what my readers’ would prefer. One reader said (in a very nice way) that my blog looked like spam. So I switched to writing about my own experiences and the response seemed very promising.

Now I feel like I’m stuck whining about my depression and hospital stays instead of helping others.

What a conundrum; whine or do something constructive?

What do you think? How can I best help others? That’s my ultimate goal.

Whine about my problems or try to help others with theirs?

In Cold Blood

They froze my blood by mistake!

My doctor’s office called this morning to tell me I needed to come back in and give more blood. I thought nothing of it and just took two hours out of my day to go and give more blood.

What the heck! If your doctor says he needs or wants something you just assume he has a very good reason for asking.

It was the lab technician that let the cat out of the bag. When she was prepping my arm to draw my blood she apologized for putting half my last sample in the freezer instead of the refrigerator.

She did say, however, that they were able to get my Lithium and vitamin D levels.
“You’re not even taking Lithium at all are you? Your levels are so low they barely register.”

“No. I’ve been waiting for my blood tests to be sent to my psych,” I said thru clenched teeth.

“I’m sorry. It will only be a few more days,” she returned.

So here I sit. The hospital won’t send my records and my doctor freezes my blood, while I get crazier by the moment.

That’s all I have to say for now.

What to do?

Gotta question for ya. When I started this blog it was with the intention of educating both those who suffer from depression and their loved ones.

There are so many people out there that are just like me. They are searching desperately for some solution to the mental anguish they go thru every single day of their lives.

I am by no means and expert on depression but I do know something about it and I planned to do a lot of research and present my findings in layman’s terms. (I used to try to wade into ‘doctor’s speak’ and just wound up discouraged.)

My wife, however, told me that no one is interested in reading something they can get on the internet and within five minutes have all the information they need.

I did sort of an unofficial survey to see what my readers’ would prefer. One reader said (in a very nice way) that my blog looked like spam. So I switched to writing about my own experiences and the response seemed very promising.

Now I feel like I’m stuck whining about my depression and hospital stays instead of helping others.

What a conundrum; whine or do something constructive?

What do you think? How can I best help others? That’s my ultimate goal.

Whine about my problems or try to help others with theirs?